The Return of the Finger
by Saranacian Freak
Summary: Rated for drinking and drugs references. Merry and Pippin try to save the Shire. More mediocre LOTR ffn. Yay.


A/N: I know, I know. I need to finish my OTHER LOTR parodies. But once this occurred to me, I just HAD to start on a story with Merry and Pippin as the heroes. I'm going to miss Sam and Frodo, though...I might have some flashbacks or dreams...not THOSE kinds of flashbacks and dreams...with them in...  
  
"What finally happened to Sauron's severed finger?  
  
Isildur made no notes about it; Elrond took no notice of it save that it had been severed; Sauron evidently could not reattach it... What happened to the thing? Where did it go? :)  
  
...Hmmmmm... I think I may have an idea here for that "Suggestions for a Big Baddie of the Fourth Age" thread." - Tolkien Crackpot Theories, flyingmoose.org  
  
THE LORD OF THE RINGS FOUR: THE RETURN OF THE FINGER  
  
"So how's it going, Pippin?" said Merry, staring cross-eyed into his pint.  
  
"Um...fine?" Pippin hazarded a guess. He was too far gone for intelligent conversation.  
  
"Man, this is...um... I really miss Sam and Frodo," Merry managed.  
  
"Yeah," said Pippin conversationally, taking another huge swig of beer. Suddenly Merry stood up, swaying from side to side and squinting through the smoke filled air.  
  
"Bathroom's over there, Merry," said Pippin, attempting to point and failing miserably. He brought his finger up to his face and stared at it in awe.  
  
"Whoah. It's GANDALF!" Merry mumbled, staggering forward, losing his balance, and swooning into Pippin's arms.  
  
"The bad slash jokes I could make at this moment-"  
  
"Shut UP, Pippin." he staggered to his feet and pointed in the direction he had been staring. "Look."  
  
Pippin glanced behind him and said "Uhm, Merry, I think you've had a few too many there. That's not Gandalf, it's Ted Sandyman. And he just got his hair cut."  
  
"Not HIM," Merry protested. "BEHIND him."   
  
"Uh, there's NOBODY behind him, Merry. You're drunk." Pippin attempted to lift his mug to his lips, failed, and ended up leaning over the table and sinking his face into it to lap it up like a dog. "Good...stuff..."  
  
"Yes there IS. Hey, Gandalf! GANDALF!" Merry began waving his arms wildly and again collapsed, this time into a nearby chair. "GANDALF!" he screamed.  
  
"Merry...shut up. People are starting to look at us weird."  
  
"Oh, like THAT'S never happened before when we're drunk, Pip."  
  
"Shut up." Pippin suddenly gasped, for the air next to their table was suddenly filled with a shivering vision of Gandalf.  
  
"See, Pippin?" demanded Merry, waving a fork threateningly.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Shut up. So Gandalf," he gulped another mouthful of beer, "What brings YOU here? I thought you went to the Grey Havens with all those fey creepy guys."  
  
"Those were GUYS?" mumbled Merry, suddenly very confused. "I guess THAT was why Frodo never liked Legolas very much...wow..."  
  
Gandalf cleared his throat. "ANYWAYS. A crisis has developed in Mordor."  
  
"Pippin..." Merry said slowly and apprehensively. "Are you starting to get a sense of extreme...I dunno...DEJA VU OR ANYTHING???"  
  
"Yeah, Merry, I, uh..."  
  
"Well, anyways, I need some help from you guys. Actually, I will be-"  
  
"Going to extremely important wizard business meetings. We KNOW," snapped Merry. "So why are you here? I mean...HOW are you here..."  
  
"Oh, it's not really me. I'm back in the Grey Havens smoking a pipe right now, actually, if you want to know. We brought some good pipe weed with us..."  
  
"Yeah, get on with it," said Pippin in annoyed tone. He was suddenly starting to feel a lot more sober and began slamming incredible amounts of beer to counteract the effects of Gandalf's revelation.  
  
"I'm actually a three dimensional projection," Gandalf said in the manner of a condescending college professor. He smiled and waited for what he knew would come. He and Elrond had been betting on who would say it.  
  
"You're a huh?" said Merry and Pippin in unison.  
  
"Crap, there goes my staff."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Nevermind. I'm like a...um, kind of like a drawing, that, you know, leaps out of the page..."  
  
"WHAT did you say you're smoking, Gandalf?" Pippin inquired suspiciously.  
  
"The same thing YOU smoke, Peregrin Took," he snapped in a very un-wizard-like fashion.  
  
"Ah yes. Good stuff. So anyways. There's this crisis, you say, in Mordor," said Pippin, looking up slightly more coherently than before through his explosion of curls.  
  
"Well, as you know, Sauron was destroyed." A long and pregnant silence punctuated the end of Gandalf's statement.  
  
"Um. Yes, we...KIND OF GATHERED THAT," said Merry slowly, backing slowly away from the holographic image as if it were about to tear off its cloak and go on the rampage as Captain Obvious.  
  
"But a very important part of his body was NOT," Gandalf said gravely. At this both hobbits dissolved into maniacal giggling, and it was several minutes before the wizard could restore order.  
  
"One question, one question," said Merry breathlessly. "Um...UH. Why is nobody else freaked out by your presence?"  
  
"Because I've chosen to appear only to you."   
  
"How special," said Pippin. "So what, uh..." he giggled again. "What BODY PART of Sauron's is on the rampage in the Dark Land these days?"  
  
"It's his finger, you fool," said Gandalf.  
  
"Well, you KNOW, Merry, this would have to depend on WHICH-"   
  
"SILENCE!" roared Gandalf. "Do not meddle in the affairs-"  
  
"A' wizards," Merry mocked in a girlish squeal, "or you will be mauled to death by a pack of rabid fangirls!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Gandalf screamed, obviously dancing with rage that he couldn't physically be there to strangle the impudent hobbit. "I'm sick of your crap, and I could really send some dwarves if you think-"  
  
"Well, no, now, wait a minute, Gandalf. He's a Brandybuck, and you know what THAT means," said Pippin, for once in his life the voice of reason.  
  
"They have very small-" Gandalf started.  
  
"Minds, yes. NO! They're stupid and inbred," Pippin said smugly.  
  
"Well, you KNOW what they say about TOOKS," Merry muttered, glowering darkly.  
  
"Silence, Meriadoc," Gandalf said grandly in his "You Shall Not Pass" voice. "I think we all know what has to be done."  
  
"Well. The general idea is that we stop Sauron's finger from...uh, what exactly IS his finger doing? It's a lot scarier than his eye, I bet..." said Pippin.  
  
"It's horrible!" said Gandalf. "His finger is going around stealing everyone's jewelry to forge a master nosering of doom!"  
  
"Hasn't that stupid wanker figured out that-" Merry started, and was interrupted by Pippin.  
  
"This time, it's going to be an INDESTRUCTABLE Precious, right?" he said mockingly.  
  
"Actually, if all goes well with his diabolical little plan, yes, it WILL be indestructable. See, he's planning to forge it in the fires of Mount Doom, but THIS time, he's going to destroy the volcano where it was made...and therefore, there will be no way to destroy it," Gandalf pronoucned slowly.  
  
"Wow," said both hobbits as they contemplated the sheer diabolical diabolicalness of Sauron's finger's diabolical plan.   
  
"He must be controlling it from Eyeball Hell, because there's no way a FINGER would think of a plan like that," said Pippin, showing his true genius.  
  
"No crap," said Gandalf condescendingly. "A new age has risen, and new heroes must rise with it."  
  
"That was deep," said Pippin. "I'm gonna memorize that." 


End file.
